Never did I imagine...

Not that I want to be a god or a hero. Just to change into a tree, grow for ages, not hurt anyone. -Czeslaw Milosz

During the last couple of years in Colombia, I played a game with the SEEDers who were placed at the same organization as me.  We called it "Nunca me imaginé" (Never did I imagine).  Time and time again we found ourselves in situations that we never imagined we would witness or participate.  Here are 22 examples from this game that have stuck in my mind:

Never did I imagine...

1) Falling off of a mule in the dark into a dried up river.

2) Falling off of a motorcycle (practically at a stand still) with 20 pounds of fish.

3) Riding a motorcycle with 2 large cakes on my lap for 3 hours.

How the cake arrived...

4) Having to travel hanging onto the outside of a truck because the inside was too full of ñame.

5) Having a six year old ask me to borrow my machete to clean the weeds out of my yard. (No, I never did own a machete, but it was not a far fetched request since the weeds in my yard were more like a jungle.)

6) Gutting 200 raw chickens with my bare hands at midnight (see my blog post A Chicken Adventure for more information on this one: http://laniincolombia2.blogspot.com/2015/06/a-chicken-adventure.html)

7) Eating yuca three times a day.

Yuca and Mac 'n Cheese

8) Eating the innards of a cow... And liking it!

My friends cooking cow innards soup!  

9) Waking up regularly at 5:00 am to sweep my yard... And liking it!

10) Having to pause my phone conversation because the neighbor's donkey was making too much noise.

11) Having a group of adolescents in my house practicing social political raps that they wrote.

12) Having lice... twice.

Nothing like a night time lice check.

13) Witnessing such blatant corruption in the political process.

14) Getting confused for a Cuban.

15) Attending so many funerals and wakes.  The whole town is invited to the funerals, and the wakes last for 9 nights and are community events.  In a town of 6000, people die fairly regularly.

16) Being close friends with a priest... Padre Joey really helped me get through some rough times these last couple of years!

17) Having so much interest in the region to learn and spread the sport of Ultimate Frisbee and then receiving so much support from the Ultimate community in the United States for continuing to playing in the Montes de Maria.

18) Sleeping just as comfortably in a hammock as I do in a bed.

Very asleep.

19) Reading more Colombian laws than US laws.

20) Being faced with the decision of if I want to use the last of my water supply to wash dishes, bathe, or flush the toilet.

21) Learning about the amazing strength and resilience of women in communities devastated by violence and how they have worked hard to move forward and do the best they can for their families and communities.

22) Being surrounded by people who give me so much love and support (and food!) yet barely know me.

Here's to looking forward to more new experiences and adventures!

Cataracts, Christmas trees, and Crying

“I can see!  Look at the leaves! Did you know there are cracks in the ceiling?  What? There are wrinkles on my face! How did that happen?”  -My Uncle Gary on how he reacted after he had cataract surgery

I cried while putting the lights on the Christmas tree.

That was a new experience.  It made me angry.  Why am I crying?  I thought, Why can't I be enjoying this moment?  It has been two years since I decorated a Christmas tree, a tradition that I love, and I probably won't do again for two more years.  So why can't I just enjoy it?!

Is it because I am thinking about how I don't know when I'll get to do this again with my mom?  About how great all of this time is being with communities that love and support me, understand me and know me, and that I am going to leave again?  

Is it because of the consumerist culture that is the United States, especially flaunted in the season of Christmas?  Texting with my friends in Colombia who sometimes struggle to eat three meals a day while I wrap string after string of lights on a tree that we paid 30 bucks for... It's hard to make these realities come together in my head.

Is it because even though I am in Minnesota and happy to be with everyone here, I still miss everyone in Colombia?  That makes me feel guilty and confused.  When I am in Colombia, I miss everyone in the States, and when I am in the States, I miss everyone in Colombia.  Is it because I still can't figure out how to share what life is like in Colombia, the experiences I saw, the people I love with the people I love here?  And vice versa, I don't know how to share these experiences I am living now with the people I love in Colombia?

Is it because in this season that we talk so much of peace, I get so many emotions?  The term peace holds a new significance, a much more personal meaning, and conjures in my imagination the people I love deeply, sacrificing greatly in hopes of paving the way for peace.

Is it because on my road trip I opened my mind and heart to reflections that are complicated and painful?  People asked me great questions: What were the highlights?  What was the most challenging thing?  What is it exactly that you do?  Why doesn't the government just do their job?  What is it like working with people who have been victims?  How did the people treat you for being white?  How do you take care of yourself?  Do you have trauma?  Were you ever afraid?  Do you think there is hope?  What would peace look like there?

They are all good questions, and though I have reflected on most of them before, having so much time alone in the car to really get lost in my brain allowed me to open many doors deeper into these questions than I had before.  Just because I went deeper doesn't really mean I have any more answers, but I certainly feel like my uncle observing with his new eyes after surgery: Look at all of this everyone, he seems to yell, there are beautiful things and not so beautiful things, and changes that we didn't realize were happening over time. 

And that's exactly how I feel: there are so many beautiful things, horrific things, and transformations in me that I don't know how to share them or even understand them myself.

But that's the risk of reflection: one never knows what he/she will dig up.  It could be something beautiful or something one would rather not think about.  Either way, it is important.  And even when my thoughts arrive to those things that I'd rather not think about, it is good for me to stay in that uncomfortable space and figure out why I feel that way, what I can learn from it, how I can share it, and what I can do about it.  

So even though I'd rather decorate the tree while laughing, it's okay to cry a little, let my mom hug me, and eat enchiladas that my dad knew I wanted.  

Thanks Mom and Dad for loving me when I'm complicated.

Reflections from the Road: Thoughts on Privilege

"Far and away the best prize that life has to offer is the chance to work hard at work worth doing."-Theodore Roosevelt

In the past four years I have been in many spaces in which I have been able to reflect on privilege.  It was a huge focus of conversation and reflection in social work school and a main point of discussion in SEED.  

Living in Libertad it was very easy to identify privileges that I have: being white, from the United States, and having degrees from universities gave me default power with which I was often very uncomfortable.  I found myself in positions in which my opinion was sought after even though there were many others much more qualified to make the decision.  Living these situations, recognizing them, and working towards shifting power given me to people who truly should wield it has been an important experience and something that I am still learning and working on.

However, being in the United States I am learning about and reflecting on another privilege of mine that I have not ever thought about before: the privilege of experiencing life in a small, rural community in another country.

On this trip, many people have mentioned the sacrifice that I am making in order to live and work in rural Colombia.  With any decision one must make sacrifices, some more obvious or recognized than others, but we are all making sacrifices.  However, I do not view my life in rural Colombia as a sacrifice but rather as a privilege.

Returning to the United States after being abroad is always very difficult for me.  They call it "reverse culture shock."  Moving between cultures as often as I do I'm not sure which way is reverse, but I do know that I often struggle with returning and having difficulty identifying with many of the opinions, values, and customs in the United States.  Sometimes I get lonely because I don't feel like I can adequately share what I have seen and learned; sometimes I get angry because I see people focused on things that I no longer view as so important; sometimes I get depressed at the injustice of the ill-distribution of wealth and power in the world.

However, this time I am trying to focus on two points that have been really helpful in my returning process:

1) Having grace with myself

When I start feeling lonely, angry, or depressed, I let myself feel it, recognize it, and reflect on why and if there is anything I can do about it.  It's hard, but just letting myself feel and be okay with feeling has been a very helpful step.

2) Recognizing my life in Colombia as a privilege

Living in a rural town in another country is an experience that most people in the United States never have.  I have had the opportunity to live circumstances, meet people, ask questions about situations, hear opinions, learn about struggles, experience challenges, and reflect on ideas that would not often come up in the United States.  I know others would love to have the same opportunity that I am living but for different reasons cannot.  Living there and having these opportunities is a blessing and a privilege.

Recognizing this privilege is helpful because it helps me have patience and grace with others when I am in the United States.  The ideas and opinions that have formed in me about justice, nonviolence, living in community, and love may not jive with the opinions of the general public or my loved ones, but I hold those believes because I have had the privilege of living somewhere where leaders are committed to working nonviolently towards peace and justice in an unjust system, sacrificing and struggling for the good of their family, their neighbors, other communities, and their country.

An example of these leaders is the group of women from Mampujan.  (Here you can review my first reflections on working with the women from Mampujan: http://laniincolombia2.blogspot.com/2014/01/the-tapestries-of-mampujan.html)  Recently their work was recognized by Colombia with the National Peace Prize.  Being in spaces with these women, watching them share their experience and talents with other women, and being able to learn from them has been a huge honor and has undoubtedly influenced my formation.  (For more information on the women and the prize you can read a great reflection by my friend Anna: http://thellamadiaries.com/2015/11/20/what-is-a-peace-prize/)

I am grateful for the privilege of living in community, being challenged, and learning from so many amazing people that I get to call my friends.

Generations of leaders:

Reflections from the Road: Lessons in Forgiveness

""But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you." Luke 6:27-28

Forgiveness is a big word.  It's a word thrown around a lot in the church, in peace building, in relationships, in life in general...  But boy is it complicated.

I have learned a lot about forgiveness in the last two years in Colombia, and I want to share two stories about forgiveness that have greatly impacted me personally.  The first is the story that inspires me to forgive and reminds me of the importance; the second is how I am actively trying to put it into practice.

First is the story of a friend from one of the communities in which I had the opportunity to spend a lot of time.  The community was displaced by paramilitary members 15 years ago.  Obviously the experience was horrific and left the community with trauma, homeless, blamed as members of guerrilla groups, struggling in poverty to regain their land, homes, dignity, and rights.  Through the official sentence that was given by the judge in front of this case, the community leaders had the opportunity to confront the people who ordered their displacement and put the community through this tragedy.  However my friend, when facing the men who turned his life upside down and took away everything, told them that he forgave them.  Bible in hand, he spoke of God's forgiveness and will for us to forgive.  Not only was this something that must have been emotionally difficult, but it was also an incredibly brave act; his community could have turned against him for choosing forgiveness, but he was adamant that this was the right decision. Every time I hear him speak of how we need to forgive in order to move on and rebuild our communities, I get chills.  Here is a man who has internalized God's love and forgiveness so much that he has been able to apply it to the people who hurt him and his entire community in a way that most people will never experience.

I had the opportunity to practice forgiveness as well, although in a very different situation.  Until now, I have not been in too many challenging positions in my life in which it was difficult to forgive.  I have not had many difficult relationships, it is easy for me to get along with most people and I put a lot of effort into my relationships when I feel like something is not right between the other person and myself.

In town I had the opportunity to really experience a challenging relationship.  It began as an intimate friendship and work partnership but very quickly it became clear that this was a very complicated and jealous person.  She began spreading rumors about me, ignoring me, and treating me very poorly to my face.  I was distraught and really beat myself up about it.  I recognize that I was doing somethings that she did not agree with, interacting with people she did not want me to interact with, and not always following her advice; I am sure that was very frustrating for her.  However, I tried to always greet her with a smile and a hug, treat her with respect, consciously spend time with her and her family, and never once spread any of the rumors that came to me about her.

One day, when I was really upset about some of the things she was saying about me, my friend sat me down and basically told me to get over it.  He was completely right.  She was not going to change; I was not going to follow all of her advice; our relationship was not going to change.  However, I wanted to remain committed to showing her love.  I consciously gave myself the challenge of not letting her words and actions get to me while at the same time not changing my attitude towards her.  I cannot control her actions or attitude, but I can control my own and I want mine to be ones of love.  It is the first time that I have really had to put into practice Jesus' words, "Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you." 

Forgiveness is a huge part of this decision.  I have to forgive her in order to truly continue loving her.

I use the present tense here because I am still in the process.  I thought that I had forgiven her, but there are thoughts and memories that still pass through my head that make my stomach lurch with frustration, hurt, and anger... Apparently I am still working through it, but I am committed to getting there and I am grateful for the experience.  It is something that I want to learn and a pain I want to go through in order to be able to love people better.

I think of my friend who found it in himself to forgive the people who displaced his community and I am inspired to be a forgiver as well.  Like he says, forgiveness is the only way to move forward and build up our lives through love.

Reflections from the Road

“Stop worrying about the potholes in the road and enjoy the journey.” – Babs Hoffman

I am in the US.  I have been here for almost three weeks now and it has been fantastic.

I spent the first week or so in Pennsylvania, surrounded by Mennonites, getting the low-down on the Mennonite Central Committee (MCC), and adjusting to being surrounded by English speakers, bread, frost, and being on time.  I met amazing people from all over the world involved in all different aspects of MCC- thrift stores, administration, finance, exchanges, country representatives, and staff from national offices. It really helped me understand how MCC works worldwide and how necessary every person is in the organization.  While it was hard to leave my community in Colombia and not go directly to my community in the United States, it was worth the time and energy.

After my stint there I had the absolutely beautiful and fabulous reunion with my parents and Honey Bunches of Oats (obviously I have a different kind of love for each, but both were emotional experiences).  

However, I was only home for two days before I took off on the Great Western United States Road Trip of November 2015.  The purpose of this road trip is two-fold:

1) See many people I love that I haven't seen for two years and probably won't see for two more years.

2) Spend quality time reflecting over the last two years and preparing myself for the work to come.

A road trip is perfect for both of these things. My plan is to do a mini-series in my blog of Reflections from the Road.  I have a lot of catching up to do with my writing and I have already received several complaints that I have abandoned the blog a bit in the last year (which is completely true).

So keep your eyes open!  Reflections to come!

Many thanks to my Mom for lending me her car for a whole month!  You rock Mom!  And to both my parents for agreeing to let me spend a month of my time in the country away from them.  You are both very good to me.  I love you!

What I like About Political Season in Colombia

A Change in Plans

"Three grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do, something to love, and something to hope for." -Joseph Addison

Two years ago when I came down to Colombia, I committed myself to staying here for these two years.  About a year into that commitment, I began to realize that two years was just not going to cut it for me.  I was just getting into the swing of things with the communities: learning how to work within the complexities and challenges; understanding how slow the processes are but how it is worth the time and energy; accepting the fact that the more I learn, the less I understand, but wanting to always learn more; feeling more and more at home in this new home and more and more anxiety about leaving. 

After reflection, conversation, and looking at the options, I’ve decided to stay.  Sembrandopaz has given me the opportunity to continue working with them in a new capacity but still with the communities.  I will be moving out of Libertad to the city to be closer to one of the offices, but I will continue to travel between all of the communities that we support.  I will be mainly involved in different efforts with the youth and women in the region, as well as helping Sembrandopaz focus on psychosocial supports.

I am very excited about this plan.  When I left Colombia in 2010, I decided that I wanted to find a way to return but instead of teaching English, I wanted to work with youth, victims of the conflict, and have a focus on psychosocial interventions.  Five years later I find myself doing just that. 

Thank you to everyone who has been so supportive, loving, honest, and patient in helping me get here and helping me continue to follow my dreams, grow as a person, and stay sane.  J

A Chicken Adventure

“Peace is not a little white dove.  It is you and me.” –Rigoberta Menchu Tum (1992)

This year marks 15 years of Mampuján’s displacement.  This year the government also finally started acting on the plan that was developed for the community’s return to their original location.  This means that there are now houses being built and even people moving back.

When planning the Commemoration this year, the leaders of the town said that they wanted a relaxing day that was focused on celebrating the town, not like in years past when the event was much more focused outward on guests and visiting organizations.  Seemed like an awesome plan.

Which is why I was confused when I arrived the day before the commemoration to help set up and I was immediately sent to help hand out “the meat.”

Nice cutting board huh?

Handing out the meat meant, weighing (94 kilos of meat), dividing (each person should receive 228 grams of meat), and giving the meat to each family (over 100 families) in Mampuján.  It involved a broken scale, machetes, and lots of stressed out people.  The meat part was entertaining, but the real adventure began when it was time to hand out the chicken.

That’s right, it wasn’t just meat, but chicken as well. 

And that was even more unbelievable.  200 whole chickens in plastic tubs.  Let’s just say the smell was not that awesome. 

That's a lot of chicken!

By the time we finished the meat, it was 10:00 pm.  So at 10:00 pm we started the chickens.  We got a system going: someone macheted them in half, I pulled out their guts, and then someone else cut them into smaller pieces to be divided amongst the families (each person got 380 grams of chicken.) I pulled out chicken guts until 1:00 am.  I think one could say I am now a pro…

At 1:00 am, we began to realize that we were going to have a lot of chicken left over; most people already had their chicken and we still had 50 or so chickens hanging out with us. If we left them like they were, they were going to go bad… So people built up fires, put on huge pots of water, and created roasting spits.  Chickens were boiled and roasted until 4:00 am in order to not lose any of the meat.  People were crabby, tired, and stressed. 

And I couldn’t stop laughing, which probably didn’t help the situation.  Ridiculous things seem to happen all the time in Mampuján, and one just has to recognize it and enjoy it. 

Despite the long night of meat/chicken craziness, the day of the commemoration was beautiful.  None of the planned programming actually happened, but it was just as if the people were living in Mampuján like before: everyone was cooking, eating, hanging out, enjoying softball games in the plaza, having horse races, laughing, yelling, singing… It was like a real town.

A presentation of the tapestries that the women sew in one of the few homes
still standing in Old Mampujan.

And that’s what the leaders were looking for that day: creating a sense of community in the place where the community originally existed, in the place where they hope to have their community permanently once more.

And the next day I woke up with my hand totally infected with cuts from chicken bones.  So I guess I’m not that much of a pro...

(The infected hand from chicken bone cuts is another crazy story involving puss, a swollen lip, and a kitchen on fire, but that’s for a different time.)

A Timeline from the Last Time to Now

“Now I will turn miracle into routine.  The amazing will be seen every day.  I will put in all the hard work necessary.  Yes, so long as God is with me, I will not die.  Amen.” 

Life of Pi by Yann Martel

Four months have passed since I have posted anything.  It’s not that I haven’t had any crazy stories, reflections, or news, but rather a combination of not knowing how to share what is going on and finding the time to write it out.  So in order to quick catch everyone up from January to now, here is a short timeline of events so far this year:

January

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At the end of January, all of us in the SEED program went to Barrancabermeja to visit a community called Micoahumado.  Micoahumado is a community that is currently experiencing conflict with armed groups in the south of Bolivar.  We had a very intense experience there, but it was inspiring to see leaders so committed to their communities and to nonviolent resistance.  You can read my reflections here(I will post my blog that I wrote for SEED here when they publish it!)

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February

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In February we started spreading Ultimate Frisbee to different communities in the area.  We first got to adventure to a town in the mountains where we got to play for two days straight and since then we have been sharing the game with communities closer by with hopes of arranging a tournament here in Libertad in July!  (More to come on that later!)  You can see a bit of our experience in the mountain here:

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March

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At the beginning of March all the SEEDers came to the coast to visit all of the communities we support in Sembrandopaz.  It was awesome to listen to the communities share their experiences with our colleagues and hear their reflections and the connections that they see between where they are accompanying in Colombia and the coast.  Plus we got to make fun of our teammates trying to ride donkeys.

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One of my friends and coworkers was in a motorcycle accident at the beginning of March and has been in the clinic in Barranquilla since then recuperating from a broken femur and a skin graft.  She’s doing really well but prayers are always appreciated for a full recovery!  I got to visit her three times and send the night with her.  We even painted eggs on Easter!

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At the end of March, my parents came to visit!  It was so good to have them here and share with them the communities where I accompany.  They were such troopers and went wherever I had planned- Mampujan, Pichilin, Libertad… It was so fun to share it all with them!  And then we relaxed on the beach.  It reminded me how much I like reading; I haven’t just sat down and read for a long time!  I was very happy to share this time with my parents eating cow intestines, riding buses and motorcycles, having translated conversations with friends, and reading on the beach.  Thank you Mom and Dad!

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April

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Easter was fun!  Just like last year, I got to eat a lot and painted eggs with the kiddos.  Fish, rice and beans, potato salad, and all classes of sweets… It is my favorite week because everywhere you go, people give you delicious food.  And this year I had forty kids come by to paint eggs.  It was a blast!

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There has been a nation-wide strike by the teachers so the students have not had class for a while, which means I get lots of visits and drawings by kids!  Check it out!

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My neighbor dug a huge hole in the backyard because she had a dream that her grandpa had buried a fortune there.  They found salt water…  I found this pretty entertaining.

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The rest of April has been full of getting into the swing of work… It is a little crazy how long it takes for things to get started, but now the leaders are organizing themselves and the work they want to do in the town, the youth are starting to organize themselves as well, Frisbee plans are advancing, and community exchanges are getting planned!  It’s going to be a good year!

It’s Complicated

"I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; and because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do something that I can do."

-Edward Everett Hale

Many of my posts have been funny stories, anecdotes, events, strange things, difference in culture, and the history of the country and communities.

It’s pretty easy to write about that stuff: laughter, surprise, intrigue… But there is so much underneath all of these stories. And this underneath stuff is really hard to share. One reason is that it’s hard to find the words to describe exactly what is going on in the government, in the region, in the communities, in my relationships, in myself. Second of all, I don’t even understand a lot of it…

As most of my conversations end with my colleagues, it’s complicated.

I want to try to share some of complexities that we deal with here. As I said, I often don’t have the words and I don’t understand so many things, but here we go:

*I live in a community of farmers without land. Many sold land to large land owners who now use the land to graze cattle. The other part of the land is in the hands of a large shrimp company, but it went bankrupt two years ago. Many of the people in the community left farming to work in the shrimp company. Now there is no shrimp company, no land, and few skilled farmers… How does a community like this support itself? How can economic opportunities be created so that people do not have to leave in order to support their family? As an Afrodescendent community, they have rights to collective land… but if there is no land nearby for them to buy, then what? If they did all the work to submit the papers to get a piece of land for the community and never got a response from the government, then what?

The community suffered a lot of violence and because of that they are one of the pilot communities in the region for collective reparations. The reparations include many things that the community lacks, like an ambulance, advanced medical attention, specially trained police, centers for community congregation and events, adequate water and drainage systems, specialized classrooms in the school, among many other desired necessities. Not only have two years passed since this plan was approved and the community has seen nothing done, but many of the things that are included in the plan are already rights that the community has as Colombians or as Afrodescendents. Reparations should be things that are in addition to the rights that the people already have by law. How can the government take advantage of their own people like that? The community has been pushing and trying to get the entities to complete the promised reparations/rights with no response from the government or the different entities in charge of developing them. What more can the community do to call attention to the situation? What can the government do when they don’t even have the resources to complete what they promised the community they would do?

The community has a good number of leaders with good leadership skills and the desire to help the community move forward and grow. However, there are so many things in daily life that keep these leaders from being able to truly focus their efforts and complete their work. The lack of resources to travel to meetings or carry out projects, gossip from within the community saying that the leaders are taking money, fear of powerful people that may not want them to be doing the work of community leaders, the necessity of looking for ways to support their family, and taking care of sick loved ones are all factors that complicate the lives of community leaders. How can one expect someone to step up to lead a community if their life is threatened? Or if they don’t have enough money to send their children to school or to feed them in the evening? How can one expect someone to be a leader of the community if they are accused of doing it for the benefit of their own pocket?

People dying from lack of an ambulance and good medical attention but not receiving any help from the politicians who come promising money for votes; having to dig in the arroyo to find water to cook and bathe if there is no water arriving at the house because a truck broke a pipe in the aqueduct and doesn’t want to pay to fix it; having police in the town but no presence when a fight occurs; having a history that forms a culture of looking out for oneself over others and aggression over peace… These are only a few of the things that come to my mind when I think about the challenges in this rural community.

As I said, most of my conversations with my coworkers end the same way: “It’s complicated…”

But totally worth it.