Cataracts, Christmas trees, and Crying

“I can see!  Look at the leaves! Did you know there are cracks in the ceiling?  What? There are wrinkles on my face! How did that happen?”  -My Uncle Gary on how he reacted after he had cataract surgery

I cried while putting the lights on the Christmas tree.

That was a new experience.  It made me angry.  Why am I crying?  I thought, Why can't I be enjoying this moment?  It has been two years since I decorated a Christmas tree, a tradition that I love, and I probably won't do again for two more years.  So why can't I just enjoy it?!

Is it because I am thinking about how I don't know when I'll get to do this again with my mom?  About how great all of this time is being with communities that love and support me, understand me and know me, and that I am going to leave again?  

Is it because of the consumerist culture that is the United States, especially flaunted in the season of Christmas?  Texting with my friends in Colombia who sometimes struggle to eat three meals a day while I wrap string after string of lights on a tree that we paid 30 bucks for... It's hard to make these realities come together in my head.

Is it because even though I am in Minnesota and happy to be with everyone here, I still miss everyone in Colombia?  That makes me feel guilty and confused.  When I am in Colombia, I miss everyone in the States, and when I am in the States, I miss everyone in Colombia.  Is it because I still can't figure out how to share what life is like in Colombia, the experiences I saw, the people I love with the people I love here?  And vice versa, I don't know how to share these experiences I am living now with the people I love in Colombia?

Is it because in this season that we talk so much of peace, I get so many emotions?  The term peace holds a new significance, a much more personal meaning, and conjures in my imagination the people I love deeply, sacrificing greatly in hopes of paving the way for peace.

Is it because on my road trip I opened my mind and heart to reflections that are complicated and painful?  People asked me great questions: What were the highlights?  What was the most challenging thing?  What is it exactly that you do?  Why doesn't the government just do their job?  What is it like working with people who have been victims?  How did the people treat you for being white?  How do you take care of yourself?  Do you have trauma?  Were you ever afraid?  Do you think there is hope?  What would peace look like there?

They are all good questions, and though I have reflected on most of them before, having so much time alone in the car to really get lost in my brain allowed me to open many doors deeper into these questions than I had before.  Just because I went deeper doesn't really mean I have any more answers, but I certainly feel like my uncle observing with his new eyes after surgery: Look at all of this everyone, he seems to yell, there are beautiful things and not so beautiful things, and changes that we didn't realize were happening over time. 

And that's exactly how I feel: there are so many beautiful things, horrific things, and transformations in me that I don't know how to share them or even understand them myself.

But that's the risk of reflection: one never knows what he/she will dig up.  It could be something beautiful or something one would rather not think about.  Either way, it is important.  And even when my thoughts arrive to those things that I'd rather not think about, it is good for me to stay in that uncomfortable space and figure out why I feel that way, what I can learn from it, how I can share it, and what I can do about it.  

So even though I'd rather decorate the tree while laughing, it's okay to cry a little, let my mom hug me, and eat enchiladas that my dad knew I wanted.  

Thanks Mom and Dad for loving me when I'm complicated.

Reflections from the Road: Thoughts on Privilege

"Far and away the best prize that life has to offer is the chance to work hard at work worth doing."-Theodore Roosevelt

In the past four years I have been in many spaces in which I have been able to reflect on privilege.  It was a huge focus of conversation and reflection in social work school and a main point of discussion in SEED.  

Living in Libertad it was very easy to identify privileges that I have: being white, from the United States, and having degrees from universities gave me default power with which I was often very uncomfortable.  I found myself in positions in which my opinion was sought after even though there were many others much more qualified to make the decision.  Living these situations, recognizing them, and working towards shifting power given me to people who truly should wield it has been an important experience and something that I am still learning and working on.

However, being in the United States I am learning about and reflecting on another privilege of mine that I have not ever thought about before: the privilege of experiencing life in a small, rural community in another country.

On this trip, many people have mentioned the sacrifice that I am making in order to live and work in rural Colombia.  With any decision one must make sacrifices, some more obvious or recognized than others, but we are all making sacrifices.  However, I do not view my life in rural Colombia as a sacrifice but rather as a privilege.

Returning to the United States after being abroad is always very difficult for me.  They call it "reverse culture shock."  Moving between cultures as often as I do I'm not sure which way is reverse, but I do know that I often struggle with returning and having difficulty identifying with many of the opinions, values, and customs in the United States.  Sometimes I get lonely because I don't feel like I can adequately share what I have seen and learned; sometimes I get angry because I see people focused on things that I no longer view as so important; sometimes I get depressed at the injustice of the ill-distribution of wealth and power in the world.

However, this time I am trying to focus on two points that have been really helpful in my returning process:

1) Having grace with myself

When I start feeling lonely, angry, or depressed, I let myself feel it, recognize it, and reflect on why and if there is anything I can do about it.  It's hard, but just letting myself feel and be okay with feeling has been a very helpful step.

2) Recognizing my life in Colombia as a privilege

Living in a rural town in another country is an experience that most people in the United States never have.  I have had the opportunity to live circumstances, meet people, ask questions about situations, hear opinions, learn about struggles, experience challenges, and reflect on ideas that would not often come up in the United States.  I know others would love to have the same opportunity that I am living but for different reasons cannot.  Living there and having these opportunities is a blessing and a privilege.

Recognizing this privilege is helpful because it helps me have patience and grace with others when I am in the United States.  The ideas and opinions that have formed in me about justice, nonviolence, living in community, and love may not jive with the opinions of the general public or my loved ones, but I hold those believes because I have had the privilege of living somewhere where leaders are committed to working nonviolently towards peace and justice in an unjust system, sacrificing and struggling for the good of their family, their neighbors, other communities, and their country.

An example of these leaders is the group of women from Mampujan.  (Here you can review my first reflections on working with the women from Mampujan: http://laniincolombia2.blogspot.com/2014/01/the-tapestries-of-mampujan.html)  Recently their work was recognized by Colombia with the National Peace Prize.  Being in spaces with these women, watching them share their experience and talents with other women, and being able to learn from them has been a huge honor and has undoubtedly influenced my formation.  (For more information on the women and the prize you can read a great reflection by my friend Anna: http://thellamadiaries.com/2015/11/20/what-is-a-peace-prize/)

I am grateful for the privilege of living in community, being challenged, and learning from so many amazing people that I get to call my friends.

Generations of leaders:

Reflections from the Road: Lessons in Forgiveness

""But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you." Luke 6:27-28

Forgiveness is a big word.  It's a word thrown around a lot in the church, in peace building, in relationships, in life in general...  But boy is it complicated.

I have learned a lot about forgiveness in the last two years in Colombia, and I want to share two stories about forgiveness that have greatly impacted me personally.  The first is the story that inspires me to forgive and reminds me of the importance; the second is how I am actively trying to put it into practice.

First is the story of a friend from one of the communities in which I had the opportunity to spend a lot of time.  The community was displaced by paramilitary members 15 years ago.  Obviously the experience was horrific and left the community with trauma, homeless, blamed as members of guerrilla groups, struggling in poverty to regain their land, homes, dignity, and rights.  Through the official sentence that was given by the judge in front of this case, the community leaders had the opportunity to confront the people who ordered their displacement and put the community through this tragedy.  However my friend, when facing the men who turned his life upside down and took away everything, told them that he forgave them.  Bible in hand, he spoke of God's forgiveness and will for us to forgive.  Not only was this something that must have been emotionally difficult, but it was also an incredibly brave act; his community could have turned against him for choosing forgiveness, but he was adamant that this was the right decision. Every time I hear him speak of how we need to forgive in order to move on and rebuild our communities, I get chills.  Here is a man who has internalized God's love and forgiveness so much that he has been able to apply it to the people who hurt him and his entire community in a way that most people will never experience.

I had the opportunity to practice forgiveness as well, although in a very different situation.  Until now, I have not been in too many challenging positions in my life in which it was difficult to forgive.  I have not had many difficult relationships, it is easy for me to get along with most people and I put a lot of effort into my relationships when I feel like something is not right between the other person and myself.

In town I had the opportunity to really experience a challenging relationship.  It began as an intimate friendship and work partnership but very quickly it became clear that this was a very complicated and jealous person.  She began spreading rumors about me, ignoring me, and treating me very poorly to my face.  I was distraught and really beat myself up about it.  I recognize that I was doing somethings that she did not agree with, interacting with people she did not want me to interact with, and not always following her advice; I am sure that was very frustrating for her.  However, I tried to always greet her with a smile and a hug, treat her with respect, consciously spend time with her and her family, and never once spread any of the rumors that came to me about her.

One day, when I was really upset about some of the things she was saying about me, my friend sat me down and basically told me to get over it.  He was completely right.  She was not going to change; I was not going to follow all of her advice; our relationship was not going to change.  However, I wanted to remain committed to showing her love.  I consciously gave myself the challenge of not letting her words and actions get to me while at the same time not changing my attitude towards her.  I cannot control her actions or attitude, but I can control my own and I want mine to be ones of love.  It is the first time that I have really had to put into practice Jesus' words, "Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you." 

Forgiveness is a huge part of this decision.  I have to forgive her in order to truly continue loving her.

I use the present tense here because I am still in the process.  I thought that I had forgiven her, but there are thoughts and memories that still pass through my head that make my stomach lurch with frustration, hurt, and anger... Apparently I am still working through it, but I am committed to getting there and I am grateful for the experience.  It is something that I want to learn and a pain I want to go through in order to be able to love people better.

I think of my friend who found it in himself to forgive the people who displaced his community and I am inspired to be a forgiver as well.  Like he says, forgiveness is the only way to move forward and build up our lives through love.

Reflections from the Road

“Stop worrying about the potholes in the road and enjoy the journey.” – Babs Hoffman

I am in the US.  I have been here for almost three weeks now and it has been fantastic.

I spent the first week or so in Pennsylvania, surrounded by Mennonites, getting the low-down on the Mennonite Central Committee (MCC), and adjusting to being surrounded by English speakers, bread, frost, and being on time.  I met amazing people from all over the world involved in all different aspects of MCC- thrift stores, administration, finance, exchanges, country representatives, and staff from national offices. It really helped me understand how MCC works worldwide and how necessary every person is in the organization.  While it was hard to leave my community in Colombia and not go directly to my community in the United States, it was worth the time and energy.

After my stint there I had the absolutely beautiful and fabulous reunion with my parents and Honey Bunches of Oats (obviously I have a different kind of love for each, but both were emotional experiences).  

However, I was only home for two days before I took off on the Great Western United States Road Trip of November 2015.  The purpose of this road trip is two-fold:

1) See many people I love that I haven't seen for two years and probably won't see for two more years.

2) Spend quality time reflecting over the last two years and preparing myself for the work to come.

A road trip is perfect for both of these things. My plan is to do a mini-series in my blog of Reflections from the Road.  I have a lot of catching up to do with my writing and I have already received several complaints that I have abandoned the blog a bit in the last year (which is completely true).

So keep your eyes open!  Reflections to come!

Many thanks to my Mom for lending me her car for a whole month!  You rock Mom!  And to both my parents for agreeing to let me spend a month of my time in the country away from them.  You are both very good to me.  I love you!